To weigh or not to weigh has become a recurrent thought for me. I have had weight issues most of my life. My sister is in a word, petite. I, in a word, am not. I’ve always been bigger and heavier, and as such, I’ve always been the target of jokes, comments, and outright insults.

I would love to be able to eat anything I want and not worry about my weight, but that has never been the case. I was very active when I was young, and even then I was heavy. Now with age and debilitating anxiety reducing my activity level, my weight has steadily climbed over the years. I’m trying to be more active, and slowly succeeding in small increments.  I don’t see myself as ever becoming an athlete, but active and healthy are what I’m striving for.

For several years I have only been weighed when I go to my doctor’s office for a checkup. Lately, I have been more active and have been eating better. I added more fruits and vegetables to my meals and have been walking more. I feel thinner, and think my clothes are a bit baggier. This may be my imagination though, since my usual fashion style is, dressed by ‘House of Blind Hobo’.

I am debating buying a scale to keep track of my weight. I know what my dream weight would be, and what my realistic healthy weight can be. I have no idea how close to that I am. My next checkup is in April. I’m torn between buying a scale and knowing how my progress is going either daily or a couple of times a week, versus knowing only twice a year.

My biggest reason for not buying the scale is I don’t want my weight to become an obsession. Something that is a distinct possibility, as I suffer from borderline OCD. Add to that a healthy dose of anxiety and depression and I could easily fall into the trap of becoming obsessed with my weight and beating myself up over any perceived failure in my goal to be active, healthy and at a lower weight.

My biggest reason to buy a scale and weigh myself is to take pride in whatever success I have when I have it. I am always too hard on myself and would welcome the chance to be proud of any achievement, no matter how small. But as I stated, I can easily overshadow and defeat that desire with self-doubt and criticism. My own negative voice routinely berates me with ridicule, and insults even louder than those of so many others’.

I genuinely don’t know what to do, even though I really want to know how much I weigh.